Joseph the Stud

Originally written - January 29, 2007

Alright . . .it’s been a while. Let’s see what I got. . . . How about some of the particulars, and then I’ll go from there. See if any of these subjects tickle my proverbial fancy.

School, school school school. I don’t want to talk about this at all. I have 1.5 classes that actually seem cool and all the others seem terrible, but only in the “I hate science, I can’t believe I have to take this shit” sort of way. I am currently enrolled in 2 “ologies” and 1 “ography”, not really cool or fun at all. I also have two English classes and an African American lit, which seems legit.

But, as previously stated talking about school isn’t really fun for me, especially when I don’t have anything mixing me up inside, which brings me to something I want to talk about. A movie I just saw: Children of Men. This movie, as you are probably aware takes place in the future, a world where women have become sterile and there is no one on the earth under the age of 18. There are no babies, no toddlers, no teens (19 year olds don’t count as teens in case you were wondering). First of all, a world with no children would really suck, forgetting for the moment that it could spell doom for our species, it just wouldn’t be pleasant. I don’t care who you are, or what you pretend to say to other people, everyone loves children. Maybe not all the time, but you’d be hard pressed to find someone who doesn’t enjoy watch a little kid do something that little kids do i.e. pee on a nearby tree b/c they don’t know any better. Everyone would love that, I know that I love it when my nephew does it, I laugh every time I see it. You’re soulless if you don’t (Christiaan? Hahahaha)

Anyway, the movie centers around Theo, a middle-aged man who seems to be disconnected from the world around him, and generally apathetic to its state. But ah, there’s hope to be found. In a young woman named Kee (aptly), a baby is growing; a baby that proves that hope still exists for humanity. I am going to spare the details of the movie for two reasons. One – I really don’t feel like giving you a summary, that would be boring for you and especially boring for me. Two – the movie is worth watching on its own.

I will say this about the movie, the baby lives. But there really isn’t a doubt that Kee will give birth and somehow, someway will survive. You aren’t convinced all the time, but with movies like this you know it can’t end with no sense of hope. I was convinced for another reason as well . . . it became clear to me a little way into the movie that this film was a sort of modern or hyper-modern retelling of the birth of Jesus, centered around Joseph (Theo). I have always had a bit of a difficult time with Christmas in the Christian sense. Of course it’s a nice story, but others around me seem to be a bit more affected by the birth of our supposed savior that I am, or should say, had been.

This could be due in some part to the fact that I have heard the story so so so so so many times, It was drilled into my head at St. Mark’s Episcopal Church in New Canaan (my hometown), and I was even forced by my parents to take place in the Christmas pageant. I remember one year being given a box, wrapped up very nicely which I was supposed to deliver to the front of the Church during the pageant as a symbol of Christ’s gift of everlasting life. I made sure to save the box, which I subsequently gave to my brother Christiaan for Christmas a few days later. He was stunned that I had bought him a present and had wrapped it so nicely, however when he opened it up to find nothing inside I think he was clued in to the fact that I had neither bought him a present nor wrapped it (a lot like this Christmas). But I think he got found it slightly amusing when I told him that it was the gift of eternal life. I must say it was a brilliant move on my part, and proved to be only the first step in a long line of under par gifts others have received on my behalf. I am not sure what genre of gift giver or receiver I would most relate with, but you can read about some of my favorites in a previous blog.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand. Due to my upbringing and the number of times that I have heard or read the nativity story, I have never felt the wonder and awe that some of my family and friends have. My mom cries every Christmas, except maybe this one where she spent the majority of the service asleep (hahahahaha). Let it be known that my mom is a bit of a crier anyway, but there is something about the birth of Jesus that just floors her, and I get a little pissed sometimes when I see her crying. Not because I am mad she is crying, but because I wish it would invoke some of the same feelings in me that it does in her.

This is where Children of Men helped me, and could potentially help you. Obviously the story is different. It takes place more than two thousand years later in a world torn apart (even more than ours) by war, corruption and the knowledge that humanity is going extinct. But this is where the movie hits you, or hit me: Theo. Theo Theo. Any Greek scholars out there?? (theos = god, I think). But the biblical allusions are much more widespread than I care to dive into (or could . . . I am too dumb, and don’t have the monetary capabilities of re-watching the film over and over). Theo, as the Joseph character, brought me close to tears by the time the film was over. I mean could you imagine you were Joseph??? Holy Fuck. You’re starting to see this woman, and she seems pretty nice, above average on the hot-o-meter with a decent rack. (pure speculation, but you have to think that Mary would have more than up to the charge of nourishing our Lord and Savior. God would have chosen someone equal to the task if you know what I mean) But then out of nowhere she gets preggers!!! WTF, what the fuck?? Then she has the nerve to tell you that an angel told her that she would give birth to the savior of the world. I would have told her to put a damp washcloth on her forehead and lie down for a day or two. I mean you’re a carpenter, skating by (ha!) on bottom half wages. You aren’t married to this woman (which was a no-no back in the day), and for all intents and purposes she is totally crazy, and so are you if you chose to stay by her side.

But Joseph is no ordinary guy. You could guess that if God chose Mary due in some part to her endowment than he must have chose Joseph because he had gigantic balls. Let’s get serious; Joseph is underrated, completely underrated. This is partly due to those crazy Catholics and their Mary worship (I’m just kidding, I love Catholics and I love Mary too) but regardless, Joseph gets no respect. He certainly didn’t get any respect from me either until I watched this movie. And it was Theo that did it for me. This guy is the absolute man. He’s not some swash-buckling (is this only reserved for pirates?? Can we get a ruling), gun toting bad bass. He’s a confused, mixed up man living on his guts and a faith and hope that this woman can be saved. He doesn’t know how it will happen, but he knows that this baby is humanity’s only hope. You have to wonder what Joseph was thinking . . . Herod’s killing the first borns and here I am riding on an f-ing donkey in the middle of nowhere when my un-sexed up wife starts going into labor. The baby, this savior is then born in a filthy barn, ill equipped for any child, and certainly not the triumphant entrance of the Prince of Heaven.

This is our God, this is our baby. Born from two scared shitless teenagers with a world of hate, anger and despair slowly creeping in on them. This is why this movie rocked me so much. I knew they were going to live, I knew the baby would make it . . . but only if a couple miracles happened along the way. This is what we can expect from God. It’s gonna work out, sometimes things will get fucked up, and sometimes we’ll need a few miracles, but when it really comes down to it . . . there He is, ready to do what it takes for all of us poor bastards. I quote Drugs Delaney from Outside Providence when I say: “Fuckin’ God man .. . . He’s alright.”

Think about it for a second. Really think about it. It actually happened. There actually was a person named Joseph. There really was a Mary. And there really was a Jesus. And he was born in a fucking barn. It must have smelled awful. I’ll bet it was cold. I’ll bet they were terrified. I’ll bet they didn’t know what to expect. And I’ll bet they were overjoyed, b/c lying in front of them was a little baby, new born. Crying and cooing, looking around for the first time, and trying to take it all in. This is my God, this is my baby Jesus . . . what a total badass. What an absolute stud. And I’ll bet that for all the doubt, the hardship and the fear that once Joseph saw that little guy he was crying harder than my mom does during our Christmas service. He knew. Theo knew. And to be honest, now a part of me knows. So if I never say it again, I am saying it now: Joseph . . . you’ve got my mark, congratulations on your beautiful baby boy.

Christmas Christmas . . . for better or worse!?

Originally written - December 24, 2006

I am sitting in Border's Books right now, sitting in the cafe section which conveniently overlooks the rest of the store. I have a front row; actually we'll call it a front row balcony seat. In all seriousness I feel like I am in a sky-box, considering the glorious leather chair that is caressing my bottom, the glass wall in front of me, and my food/coffee. (side note: I have been in two skyboxes before. both at the Hartford Civic. The first was a Disney Ice-Capades sort of deal, and the second was a UCONN Huskies game vs. Yale. Both were brilliant experiences.) There are currently no less than 60 people in this Border's, all frantically looking for that last minute for that person who its just impossible to shop for! Why are certain people such a pain to get gifts for? Is it because you don't know them well enough, or just because they don't seem to have any interests besides watching TV? This makes me think . . . . what are the different genres of people in reference to the Holiday season? Could we classify people into different groups based on their approach to Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanza?? I believe myself to be equal to this task here goes


Type #1 - The above-mentioned impossible person to shop for . . .(there are multiple sub-groups for this one)

Everyone has that person: either they're that type of son of a bitch that tells you not to get them anything (is there really anything worse than that?) or that they don't "need" anything this year. Obviously you fucking don't "need" anything, and let's be serious, that's never been the point of Christmas, at least not in the modern, or postmodern (hahaha, postmodern . . . just throwin' in the buzzword), sense. If you have a roof over your head and have eaten something in the last 36 hours, you obviously don't "need" anything, just tell me what you want and make it easy for me. But let's go back to that first person, the one who tells you not to get them anything, and simply refuses to give you any hints or clues as to what you should get them. Don't they understand that all they're doing is putting you through agony?? Usually this person is a family member, or someone else who you HAVE to get something for. They don't realize that by not giving you any ideas that they are, in fact, making your Christmas shopping experience, which usually sucks anyway, much much worse. Maybe they do want you to get them what you want to get them without their influence, but c'mon, at least give me an idea. Otherwise you're going to get something that I would want, and which will probably mean nothing for you. This is a shitty feeling. You buy something that means a lot to you for this person expecting that it will carry the same weight for them as it does for you, only to be disappointed in your realization that it doesn't. Maybe this is a book that they never read or little trinket/picture/vase/sculpture that doesn't quite cut it when they are decorating their home. Either way, nobody likes their gift going unappreciated, or unused, yet this happens every year with over 50% of gifts (no real basis for this stat, pure speculation). What these people need to learn is how to be considerate receivers: tell the people you love what you'd like for Christmas, or at least give them some parameters. Otherwise you end up putting added stress on them to find you something that you probably WON'T like. They in turn are disappointed b/c they got you something that they like way more than you do. In short . . . don't be this person. Do your family a favor and don't be the impossible to shop for person.

Type #2 - the person who shops for Christmas gifts in July

First of all, this person is usually completely psychotic, but also totally amazing. They are usually incredibly thoughtful and giving people. Unlike you and me, they are constantly thinking of ways to make other people happy, which extends to extremely thoughtful gifts. Sometimes I get the feeling when I'm in a store that "hey, so and so would really like this". Unfortunately I am too much of an asshole to actually get this item for them, and instead wait until late December to even begin thinking about gifts. I have an aunt who does this (and so do you probably), and she is totally kick-ass. It really blows my mind that she is even capable of Christmas shopping in the summer, but I think it has more to do with her spirit of giving, than it does with "Christmas shopping". Where as I think, "hey I think my bro would really like this mug . . . too bad I am not getting it for him", she goes through with the purchase, and then places it in her special gift area which you and I are too unorganized to have. Let me just say one more thing before we move on . . . most people have no hope of being this person. I have long given up any hope of emulating my aunt in this respect. Probably b/c I am too selfish. If I ever did get someone a gift out of season, I would probably need to give it to them right away, to validate my purchase and myself.

Type #3 - the person/family who actually makes their own gifts

These families/people are usually a bit quirky, perhaps bordering on wacky. They usually belong to a family that doesn't have cable, and who spend downtime reading or playing games or something actually constructive. They are also normally very creative people, no doubt stemming from the above mentioned activates. Where as I spent my leisure time watching something dreadful on the tube, or playing Madden against my friends, they made arts and crafts or actually played outside, and used their imagination . . . what a concept huh?!?! These people write a poem, make some sort of photo album or calendar, or knit their loved ones something. Its sort of funny that right now I can't even think of what else these people do, probably b/c I am not one of them. This Christmas however I am flirting with the line more than ever before, but I think that this is b/c I don't have the means to actually "buy" gifts. There are pros and cons to being a "make your own gift" person. The pros are obvious: Nothing says I love you more than . . . well I guess saying it really says it . . . but after that, nothing says I love you like something from the heart, mind and hands. By making someone something you are showing them that you care enough to spend your time constructing something for them, something that you thought long and hard about. The end product ends up not being as important or valuable as the thought/feeling/time spent on it. Unless you are REALLY artistic, or abnormally creative. The cons are as obvious as the pros . . . I think. There's a chance that the person you made something for simply won't appreciate it . . . maybe b/c these people are heartless bastards who don't deserve gifts of any kind, or because they really wanted something else. (I actually heard from my brother that one of the top reasons for break-ups among couples are "made gifts". The giver feels slighted if the receiver doesn't show the proper appreciation, and can in turn lead to resentment.) There is also the possibility that you are not as creative as you think and that no matter how long it took you to make this thing or how much of yourself you poured into it that the end product will suck. This is a bummer, but as long as the person you made the gift for isn't the heartless bastard mentioned above, you should be ok. I think that one should avoid making gifts for children, unless it is actually really cool. Kids under a certain age won't really appreciate your effort because they will want toys. This doesn't make them heartless bastards, just normal kids. But chances are at some point in the future they WILL realize the specialness, and give you a hug. Bottom line: people who make their own gifts are usually good, thoughtful, caring people, and the world would be a much better place if more people subscribed to this form of gift-giving . . . at least I think. (it could be that I think this as a validation for the gifts I'll be making for my loved ones, in which case I am an asshole)

Type #4 - . . . . .



My creative juices have been tapped on this subject . . . maybe I'll think of more. Until then