Joseph the Stud

Originally written - January 29, 2007

Alright . . .it’s been a while. Let’s see what I got. . . . How about some of the particulars, and then I’ll go from there. See if any of these subjects tickle my proverbial fancy.

School, school school school. I don’t want to talk about this at all. I have 1.5 classes that actually seem cool and all the others seem terrible, but only in the “I hate science, I can’t believe I have to take this shit” sort of way. I am currently enrolled in 2 “ologies” and 1 “ography”, not really cool or fun at all. I also have two English classes and an African American lit, which seems legit.

But, as previously stated talking about school isn’t really fun for me, especially when I don’t have anything mixing me up inside, which brings me to something I want to talk about. A movie I just saw: Children of Men. This movie, as you are probably aware takes place in the future, a world where women have become sterile and there is no one on the earth under the age of 18. There are no babies, no toddlers, no teens (19 year olds don’t count as teens in case you were wondering). First of all, a world with no children would really suck, forgetting for the moment that it could spell doom for our species, it just wouldn’t be pleasant. I don’t care who you are, or what you pretend to say to other people, everyone loves children. Maybe not all the time, but you’d be hard pressed to find someone who doesn’t enjoy watch a little kid do something that little kids do i.e. pee on a nearby tree b/c they don’t know any better. Everyone would love that, I know that I love it when my nephew does it, I laugh every time I see it. You’re soulless if you don’t (Christiaan? Hahahaha)

Anyway, the movie centers around Theo, a middle-aged man who seems to be disconnected from the world around him, and generally apathetic to its state. But ah, there’s hope to be found. In a young woman named Kee (aptly), a baby is growing; a baby that proves that hope still exists for humanity. I am going to spare the details of the movie for two reasons. One – I really don’t feel like giving you a summary, that would be boring for you and especially boring for me. Two – the movie is worth watching on its own.

I will say this about the movie, the baby lives. But there really isn’t a doubt that Kee will give birth and somehow, someway will survive. You aren’t convinced all the time, but with movies like this you know it can’t end with no sense of hope. I was convinced for another reason as well . . . it became clear to me a little way into the movie that this film was a sort of modern or hyper-modern retelling of the birth of Jesus, centered around Joseph (Theo). I have always had a bit of a difficult time with Christmas in the Christian sense. Of course it’s a nice story, but others around me seem to be a bit more affected by the birth of our supposed savior that I am, or should say, had been.

This could be due in some part to the fact that I have heard the story so so so so so many times, It was drilled into my head at St. Mark’s Episcopal Church in New Canaan (my hometown), and I was even forced by my parents to take place in the Christmas pageant. I remember one year being given a box, wrapped up very nicely which I was supposed to deliver to the front of the Church during the pageant as a symbol of Christ’s gift of everlasting life. I made sure to save the box, which I subsequently gave to my brother Christiaan for Christmas a few days later. He was stunned that I had bought him a present and had wrapped it so nicely, however when he opened it up to find nothing inside I think he was clued in to the fact that I had neither bought him a present nor wrapped it (a lot like this Christmas). But I think he got found it slightly amusing when I told him that it was the gift of eternal life. I must say it was a brilliant move on my part, and proved to be only the first step in a long line of under par gifts others have received on my behalf. I am not sure what genre of gift giver or receiver I would most relate with, but you can read about some of my favorites in a previous blog.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand. Due to my upbringing and the number of times that I have heard or read the nativity story, I have never felt the wonder and awe that some of my family and friends have. My mom cries every Christmas, except maybe this one where she spent the majority of the service asleep (hahahahaha). Let it be known that my mom is a bit of a crier anyway, but there is something about the birth of Jesus that just floors her, and I get a little pissed sometimes when I see her crying. Not because I am mad she is crying, but because I wish it would invoke some of the same feelings in me that it does in her.

This is where Children of Men helped me, and could potentially help you. Obviously the story is different. It takes place more than two thousand years later in a world torn apart (even more than ours) by war, corruption and the knowledge that humanity is going extinct. But this is where the movie hits you, or hit me: Theo. Theo Theo. Any Greek scholars out there?? (theos = god, I think). But the biblical allusions are much more widespread than I care to dive into (or could . . . I am too dumb, and don’t have the monetary capabilities of re-watching the film over and over). Theo, as the Joseph character, brought me close to tears by the time the film was over. I mean could you imagine you were Joseph??? Holy Fuck. You’re starting to see this woman, and she seems pretty nice, above average on the hot-o-meter with a decent rack. (pure speculation, but you have to think that Mary would have more than up to the charge of nourishing our Lord and Savior. God would have chosen someone equal to the task if you know what I mean) But then out of nowhere she gets preggers!!! WTF, what the fuck?? Then she has the nerve to tell you that an angel told her that she would give birth to the savior of the world. I would have told her to put a damp washcloth on her forehead and lie down for a day or two. I mean you’re a carpenter, skating by (ha!) on bottom half wages. You aren’t married to this woman (which was a no-no back in the day), and for all intents and purposes she is totally crazy, and so are you if you chose to stay by her side.

But Joseph is no ordinary guy. You could guess that if God chose Mary due in some part to her endowment than he must have chose Joseph because he had gigantic balls. Let’s get serious; Joseph is underrated, completely underrated. This is partly due to those crazy Catholics and their Mary worship (I’m just kidding, I love Catholics and I love Mary too) but regardless, Joseph gets no respect. He certainly didn’t get any respect from me either until I watched this movie. And it was Theo that did it for me. This guy is the absolute man. He’s not some swash-buckling (is this only reserved for pirates?? Can we get a ruling), gun toting bad bass. He’s a confused, mixed up man living on his guts and a faith and hope that this woman can be saved. He doesn’t know how it will happen, but he knows that this baby is humanity’s only hope. You have to wonder what Joseph was thinking . . . Herod’s killing the first borns and here I am riding on an f-ing donkey in the middle of nowhere when my un-sexed up wife starts going into labor. The baby, this savior is then born in a filthy barn, ill equipped for any child, and certainly not the triumphant entrance of the Prince of Heaven.

This is our God, this is our baby. Born from two scared shitless teenagers with a world of hate, anger and despair slowly creeping in on them. This is why this movie rocked me so much. I knew they were going to live, I knew the baby would make it . . . but only if a couple miracles happened along the way. This is what we can expect from God. It’s gonna work out, sometimes things will get fucked up, and sometimes we’ll need a few miracles, but when it really comes down to it . . . there He is, ready to do what it takes for all of us poor bastards. I quote Drugs Delaney from Outside Providence when I say: “Fuckin’ God man .. . . He’s alright.”

Think about it for a second. Really think about it. It actually happened. There actually was a person named Joseph. There really was a Mary. And there really was a Jesus. And he was born in a fucking barn. It must have smelled awful. I’ll bet it was cold. I’ll bet they were terrified. I’ll bet they didn’t know what to expect. And I’ll bet they were overjoyed, b/c lying in front of them was a little baby, new born. Crying and cooing, looking around for the first time, and trying to take it all in. This is my God, this is my baby Jesus . . . what a total badass. What an absolute stud. And I’ll bet that for all the doubt, the hardship and the fear that once Joseph saw that little guy he was crying harder than my mom does during our Christmas service. He knew. Theo knew. And to be honest, now a part of me knows. So if I never say it again, I am saying it now: Joseph . . . you’ve got my mark, congratulations on your beautiful baby boy.