Free Free Free

Originally written - August 1, 2007

I am not feeling very free lately. I am feeling as though most of what I am doing falls under the “have to” category, which is a recipe for a semi-freedom-less existence. That sounds pretty dramatic and I certainly don’t mean to be a complainer (or maybe I do. It is nice, after all, to unload all your shit every once in a while). This idea of freedom is one that has haunted me for quite some time. We all want to be free to make our own choices right? To have a level of agency in our lives, to feel like we are calling the shots. But this takes for granted first and foremost that we actually know what we want . . . doesn’t it. I know that I can’t speak for everyone, but I don’t really have any idea what I want, I am just sort of guessing these days. Sure there are bits that I am sure of . . . I want love, I want purpose, I want to enjoy each day. But how vague are these desires? Is that the point: that we think we want all these specifics i.e. the right job, the right city, the right gf/bf, when in fact what we are really after is something much broader.

I had a conversation with a friend a few months ago and we were really getting in to what each of us wanted, and they were surprisingly simple. We wanted to be loved, to love someone in return and to be free in our choices and decisions, to feel as though our lives were not being lived by any one other than ourselves. This might sound selfish or self-absorbed, but I don’t think it is. And I don’t think it’s too much to ask. I was watching an extremely forgettable movie last night that had few redeeming qualities, but one line really stuck with me. It’s a pseudo-philosophic question that sounds a bit contrived, but I believe deserves to be mulled over for a bit. It’s something like this . . . .

The only question worth asking yourself is whether or not you should commit suicide.

Now let me be frank and forward when I say that this question should be not taken literally, but rather analyzed for what it’s really asking. According to my interpretation of this question, we should not be seriously contemplating suicide or viewing life as a disposable privilege but rather, assuming you would in fact choose life, what that entails. To me, answering that you do, in fact, want to live means a number of things . . . It means that in your estimation life is more joy than pain and more happiness than sorrow. It means that I am allowing all the bad things in the world to affect me, b/c I believe that the good outweighs them.

This is not to say that I believe in general goodness, because I do not. This isn’t a pessimistic view of the world, but rather an open acknowledgement of humanity’s general shortcomings and failures. No doubt this sounds fairly defeatest and perhaps it is Perhaps it is this acknowledgement of defeat which enables us to experience freedom. I don’t mean freedom in the sense of American as a free country, but rather in one’s personal freedom from self and from externally produced, yet inwardly experienced expectation. Why do we feel these “have to’s”? What inside us feels the need to produce, to fulfill others and our own agendas? Certainly drive is not an evil concept, but perhaps we’ve been deceived in the world’s claim that it produces contentment.

I have been told for as long as I can remember, by friends, parents and teachers that I have the skill and the brain to produce in school as I should, yet for some reason I have been unable to muster the drive necessary to excel. What will I gain from this drive that I could not experience with out it. . . . an interesting question. My mother has been famous for saying things like “The more you do now, or the better you do, the more options are opened for your future.” In some ways she is absolutely right. By performing well in school, I open myself up for a wider range of opportunities after I graduate, thus giving me more freedom . . . right? But what of living for myself, what of the years I spend toiling away for the chance or opportunity that will make my life? What if it doesn’t live up to its promise, what if, at the end of it all I am left unsatisfied, having been robbed a chance to really live in the now by obsessing over the future.

Where is the line between planning for the unknown, but continuing to actively pursue joy. Because after all isn’t that really what I want. Above all else, don’t I just want to be happy? Don’t I just want someone to love me and for me to love them back? Don’t I just want to spend time with these people and to bask in their returned affection? Right now, the next sentence I write could be something to do with knowing that this isn’t all to life . . . but isn’t it. Aren’t these the moments we passively plan for. At the root of our desire, won’t we find other people? Maybe our problem isn’t not taking life seriously enough . . . its taking it to seriously. Maybe we would be better served asking ourselves what we’re really after, what our life’s aim actually is.

All I can honestly say right now is that I want joy. This is what I want. There are many facets that go into this end, but above everything else I want this freedom. Freedom from my self, freedom from my own expectation and freedom to actually allow love to transform my life.

Lazy Day, Good Day.

Origianally written - January 9, 2007

Lazy Days. This is one of my favorite songs. It’s by a chick named Leona Naess and sort of chronicles the events and feeling of those days when you don’t have anything to do, anyone to impress, no responsibilities etc. “soak up some lazy days, no one can rain on our parade” blah blah blah. I am having a lazy day right now, and its everything I hoped it could be. It reminds me of Office Space when Peter decides that he isn’t going to go work that day. When asked about what he did he replies: “I did nothing. I did nothing all day, and it was everything I hoped it could be” hahaha, this is hilarious to me. Here is my schedule for today / the next week and a half . . .

930 – 1130 wake up
930ish/1130ish – sometime before 2:00 pm – sort of lay around, drift in and out of sleep / make or go out for breakfast, drink lots of coffee, start the crossword puzzle
2:20 pm – drop off Michi at work /
230 – 6 – I have some options here: on M/W/F – I have from 230 – 6 to work out at the uptown YWCA and then hang out at Dunn Brother’s til Michi is done with work. On T/R – this time is extended from 230 – 830. Today is a Tuesday so I am at May Day’s, another café type place, where I’ll be until around 6ish, then I’ll go start my work out. During my alone time, I try to finish the crossword puzzles (there are two in the star trib. Hooooray!!!), read, write, check email/facebook, and think about how much starting school will suck, but how awesome ultimate will be.
630/830-bedtime – during this expanse of time we’ll get dinner, sit around, go out to a bar, go out to a movie, hang at the house, play trivial pursuit, and really do whatever we want.
Bedtime – this can be from 11pm to after 2am depending on the night. Bedtime is fun b/c I get to go to sleep, and next to someone I love. This is a good thing. That’s why they say bedtime is the best time – actually I just made that up, but I am copywriting it so step off . . . I’m talking about steppin’ off (anyone get the Class Act reference? Probably only smear would get that one, maybe Christiaan but I doubt that he actually reads this. For those of you who don’t know, Class Act is a coming of age story starring Kid and Play, yes THAT Kid and Play, the one’s from House Party. Their identities get switched and they find out that they can be whoever they want to be blah blah. It’s actually a brilliant film full of some extremely quotable lines)

Today is a great day. Yesterday was a great day, and I am hopeful that tomorrow will be more of the same. I love it here, although my perception of what mpls is like may be a bit skewed. You see, the majority of time that I have spent here has been leisure time. I have done very little in this city that hasn’t revolved around two of my loves: Ultimate and my girly. My days this summer were spent very similarly to how they are now with one exception: Michi never had to work, so we would just hang out all day/everyday for the most part, barring the times when I had ultimate stuff or when she got sick of hanging out with me. We’d wake up late, go for walks, drink coffee, play games, drink beer, eat cantaloupe (for those of you who don’t know, few combinations will beat cantaloupe and Pete’s Wicked Ale . . . try it, you’ll be amazed) and go out with friends. I say with 99.5% certainty that I had more fun this summer than you did. This is not meant as a dis, but to stress to you the contentment this summer brought to me on a daily basis. Never before and probably never again (sadly) will I feel such an elongated period of freedom, fun and fancy (alliteration WHAT!). Obviously this period of time brought with it some negatives: most obvious was the lack of money I made due to my lack of employment. I actually HAD a job, but I really hated it. It was incentive based, and I had no incentive, therefore I made very little. Bummer? A little, but I wouldn’t have traded this summer for any amount of money – Truth.

As for truth and contentment . . . it's hard to argue with these when you find them, and find them I believe I have. (that sentence was a grammatical nightmare . . . but remember who’s sovereign here . . . moving on). I would consider myself a happy person. I have been called an emotional roller coaster at times, and rightfully so (I cried twice on Christmas day for example), but all in all I try to make the best of any given situation. The beauty about the time I spend in this city is that the times when I have “to try and make the best of it” are few and far between. I know that it won’t always be like this, and that hard times are always right around the corner, but the feeling I have while here in this city, is one of liberation and contentment. I am very happy today, I am very happy right now. I’ve had a wonderful break up until this moment, and I hope and pray that it will continue in this trend. This coming semester promises to be my most challenging. I am again loading up on credits, while trying to lead my ultimate team to a nationals victory all while being largely separated from the person I love the most. But I am welcoming the challenge. I am sure I won’t be at times . . . and there will be times when I have two papers due tomorrow, a vomit-inducing running workout tonight, and a span of 3 weeks when I haven’t seen the lady . . . but so it goes. Such is life and such is my reality, it certainly could be a lot worse. In fact I would say that 95% of all people polled would say that they would welcome this “challenge” over their personal challenges. I have a good life. I am very blessed and very lucky. I love this city and I am loving life right now. I have truth and I am content . . . for now. We’ll see where this goes.

Understaning Our Need

Originally written - January 2, 2007

So this past week I have been in Winter Park, CO, acting as a leader for a camp called FOCUS (this is an acronym that stands for Fellowship Of Christians in Universities and Schools . . . pretty clever huh?) Let the record state that for those people who crack jokes like: do you focus at FOCUS?, I am done with you. I actually don’t dislike these people, but c’mon, do you really think that was that clever? Do you actually believe that no one has ever made that joke before? Let’s get serious. This happens all the time. My brother’s got a friend at school named Inigo, which immediately made me (and hopefully you) think of:

“My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die”.

However, knowing that he must get that shit all the time, I refused to make the joke directly to him, and decided instead to mention it in passing or to make fun of all the people who actually believe they were the first to make the connection. A good way to approach this problem is to say to the person: “I bet you get the Princess Bride thing a lot don’t you” or in the FOCUS case “how often do people tell you to focus at FOCUS”. Anyway moving on . . . to my real subject, and issue in mind.

The question is this: when are people convinced that they actually need to be saved?? What triggers this desire for a savior? More directly the question could be asked: what makes people need Jesus? Or think they need him?

The purpose of the camp I just finished is to present the Gospel of Jesus Christ to students in high school. FOCUS’ mission is to make faith relevant to students, and for them to experience the Grace of God through fellowship with leaders and other Christians, worship (praying, singing, dancing, playing etc.), Bible Study and fun. One of the things I love so much about FOCUS is that I have the time of my life whenever I am a part of a program or hanging out with other people who are involved with the ministry. The bottom line for FOCUS is this (obviously with my personal bias): to experience the freedom, liberation, joy, truth and love of Jesus Christ alongside other people. The camp I just attended is known as an evangelical camp (not the terrifying evangelical camps that you hear about or read about, or watch movies about i.e. Jesus Camp) in that it presents the basic tenants of the Christian Faith and allows students the opportunity to accept or refute its claim to truth and its claim to their life. Instead of thrusting or heaving the message of Jesus onto people, such that they feel attacked or put on the defensive, FOCUS allows the truth to do the work itself. If God is real, and Jesus’ claims were true than these are enough, and no coercion or guilt are necessary for people to believe. Truth makes itself evident to people, and in the case of Christianity, I believe its truth speaks for itself.

So, if Jesus’ claims are true and God is, in fact real, than what makes people believe that they need Him. Many of the students that attended this camp hail from the upper crust of America. They attend the best schools, and are the children of wealthy and influential parents. In many ways they are brought up in the lap of luxury, with nearly all of their basic needs provided. (by basic I mean food, shelter, clothing etc.) FOCUS is a ministry designed for private school students (in the way that Young Life is for public school), and is presented with the challenge of proclaiming the necessity of Jesus to people whose needs are largely met. By no means am I declaring that private school students, or wealthier people in general, have no needs but that in a material sense they are usually quite comfortable. They usually have nice meals, big homes, new cars and cash at their disposal. The schools they attend equip them with the tools needed to succeed at the top colleges and universities in the world. These colleges and universities in turn supply them with the education and reputation needed to succeed materially in this world. SO, again the question remains: how do people come to realization that they need the grace of Jesus, especially if they don’t feel like they NEED anything. This is challenge. In the gospel of Matthew Jesus proclaims “that it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God”. The people who he says this to are confused and frustrated asking “Who then can be saved?”. He replies: “With man, this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” So what’s the point of all of these implications? What does this mean? First I’ll tell you what it doesn’t mean. It doesn’t mean that wealthy people are screwed and that they better sell all their stuff in order to gain salvation, nor does it mean that the students I have spent my time with the last week are doomed. What these verses do imply is that it is very hard for people who are in the “have” to accept their own brokenness and understand their need to be saved.

I have gone on two mission or service trips in my life, to Mexico and the Dominican Republic respectively. In Mexico we built two houses in Juarez for families who, in a material sense, had very little, even when compared to the other poorer people in the area. And in the D.R. we built the second level to a church located in a run down area of Santiago. In both cases I was shocked at the contentment of the people residing in these areas. More than anything else I hear from people returning from these trips is the surprise/shock/ awe they felt when meeting people who had so little, yet were so unbelievably happy. This calls into question, of course, the relation between happiness and possession. So many of us believe that happiness is directly tied to possessions, or to the security that wealth provides. The people who we provided this service for provided me, and the students/leaders who I attended these trips with, a view of true contentment found in Jesus Christ. These people were forced to actually rely on Jesus, and he came through for them. Obviously in these areas the threat of disease, poverty and early death are more real that in upper class America, but the hope that Christ provides for their future and for their immediate reality is enough to supply them with an abundance of joy, such that few wealthy people experience. This is not meant to be a commentary on the virtue of poverty or the vice of wealth. Rich people aren’t fundamentally worse than poor people. We are all in the same place when it comes to our shortcomings, failures and deficiencies. The difference between these two classes is that poorer people are in basic need. Whereas the rich have these provided for, the poorer simply don’t, which fosters the spirit of want, and the realization that God can and does provide hope.

People come to Jesus when they realize how much they need him. And they realize they need him when they don’t have their material needs provided or when they realize how fucked up their lives are. People don’t and can’t come to Jesus, and can’t accept the need they have for His cross until they come to grips with their own brokenness. This brokenness can stem from material, spiritual, psychological need. It can stem from the acceptance of ones own selfishness, cruelty, resentment etc. For me, I am in process of recognizing my own need. As stated in previous blogs, I am coming to terms with how much of an asshole I am and how pitifully short I fall in being the man that I want to be. My life, up until a few months ago carried very few pressures for me. Pretty much everything that I had had been given to me, as far as my basic needs, and I had spent my first four years of college not going to class and living only for myself. I knew that I was messing up, but I just didn’t care enough to try to fix it, or to rely on God to restore it. By no stretch have I completely changed; nor do I believe I ever will. All I can do is trust in Him who has provided me with hope for a better life, packed with meaning, truth and my salvation.

So, it is my understanding that in order for people to realize their need for God, they must realize their own “fucked up-ness” (I am copywriting this term). We are all a disaster, we are all failures, and we all have needs. These are more evident in people who don’t “have”, but still exist in the lives of the wealthy and provided for. Perhaps this is why it easier for people who are poor to approach the Cross. They know they need it. They know that only Jesus will provide hope and meaning for their lives. The wealthy have a more difficult time recognizing need because so many of them are addressed. But no amount of money, no car, no home and no job will no provide them with true meaning and the real hope of Christ. I don’t care who are or where you come from, everyone on earth wants truth and desires meaning: it is carved into our humanity. Possessions don’t provide this, and that’s why Jesus said what he said and did what he did. By accepting our need (the need for a savior) and humbly stepping towards the truth and hope of the Cross we find and fulfill this desire.

I have been consumed lately (since the summer) by this one line from Superman Returns. If you remember, or if you haven’t seen the movie I’ll explain the context, Superman leaves the earth to return home to Krypton. His love interest, Lois Lane, is a journalist and receives acclaim for her stories pertaining to the Man of Steel. Perhaps her most famous article is titled: “Why the world doesn’t need Superman”. So, upon his return, Lois is still resentful of Superman, in part due to her feelings towards him, and because of his obsession with helping others. This movie is not explicitly or implicitly Christian in many of its themes, but there is one scene which just kills me. Superman meets Lois on the top of her building and brings her up into outer space to observe the world below (I’ll leave alone the scientific implications ex: that its impossible to breathe in space etc.) We then hear the cries of people below who are in need and calling for help. Superman looks at Lois Lane and says “You say the world doesn’t need a savior, but everyday I hear the world crying out for one”. This just floors me, I get shivers down my spine when I think about it. The point of this quote, in reference to this entry is that we all need a savior. We all need Jesus: bottom line. And it is only when we accept our failure as people that we understand this. So for those people who’s needs are provided for remember: there will be a time when you are in need, and your hope will not be in people, jobs, homes, cars or money. Your hope is in Jesus . . . . and this is the truth.

self consumantion (is that even the right word)

Originally written - December 16, 2007

I had a meeting with a professor of mine on thursday to discuss my writing. I desperately want to be a good writer, and having had this guy for the second time in as many years, and having subjected him to large number of my papers, I thought there would be no one better suited for critique, advice etc.

In essence he told me that in general the focus of my papers tends to be too broad and that I should narrow my gaze, and really fix on one idea. But he said something else, which has since haunted me. While commenting on my "voice" (which is a term writer's apparently use to describe the author's ability to convey his personality) he told me that I was earnest. Earnest. EARNEST. Maybe this doesn't sound so problematic to you, or perhaps you think I'm an asshole for making a big deal out of a compliment recieved from a professor. But its been messing with me ever since. Why, you ask? Well thats the blog topic, so I am not just going to divulge my answer right away am I? I guess I could, but that wouldnt be as fun.

Back to this earnestness . . . upon hearing that word ease itself from his mouth I was a little shocked, a little confused and a lot proud. ha. I asked him:

"really, you think people think I'm earnest?"

to which he responded: 'yeah they do."

"are you sure that I don't come across as a condescending asshole?"

"yeah, I'm sure. you don't come across that way."

ok, so have you noticed what I did here? totally unintentionally I might add. I had managed to make my favorite professor of all time tell me that I was earnest three different times? I couldn't just let him complement me once could I? This episode is problematic for me in a number of different ways, which I hope to fully explain to you my reader. (who am I kidding, no one actually reads this, probably b/c I am afraid to show it to most people - that doesn't sound very earnest does it?)

Problem #1 - Earnestness
As a person who had recently become obsessed with honesty, being described as earnest is a great validation. I could hear my inner voice saying "yesssssssss" as soon as I was able to register what was taking place in his office. Being earnest is good right? Really good. I am sure everyone would want to be called earnest. It sounds noble, dignified. When I think of someone who actually is earnest I imagine a man totally unconcerned with what the world thinks of him. In a very serious, intentional and purposeful manner he lives out his days respecting everyone around him and treating them as better than himself. An earnest man does not seek out earnestness, he is earnestness. Through the reality of his humilty, steadfastness and perseverance he becomes earnestness. Now you may argue that earnestness isn't a real word . . . to that I respond with a short, quick "fuck you", don't forget who is sovereign here, yeah thats right bitch. Above and beyond everything that I just mentioned is this: earnestness cannot be attained through trying, its a way, an inherited lifestyle or a God-given gift. This is exactly why this description is problematic for me

Problem #2 - Earnestness = me . . . . don't think so
As stated in my initital blog I am a self-obsessed socio-path. This, in itself, has the potential to void any attempts towards earnestness. YOU SEE I DID IT AGAIN!!!! FUCK. I can't be earnest by trying to earnest. I can try to tell the truth, treat people well and work hard, but in the end if my real goal is to considered earnest then I've forfeited the decency of these ideals. is that confusing? Maybe. Here's my point: Since mid-way through my college career I came to the realization that it was cool "not give a shit". This extended to may spheres of my life, and has since affected me in positive and negative ways.

Negative Examples - poor academics, poor communication with people I don't see everyday, lack of drive/effort.
Positive Examples - . . . uhhh . . . . i geuss I try to make it seem like I don't care what other people think

THERE IT IS, hidden beneath the choice to "not give a shit" is the realization that I am a total fraud. I try soooooooo hard to make it seem like I don't care. I make sure to tell people that I haven't showered or that I haven't washed my hair. My teammates can attest to the sort of running commentary I deliver to them about the happenings of my day or week. Inevitably these include a form of self-deprication, but for whose sake?? My attempt is to convey my shortcomings, weaknesses to my team in order for us to all laugh at me and to make it seem like I am secure enough to debase myself with such brutal honesty. I succeed on some level. To those who don't know me very well this sort of behavior works pretty well, take my professor for example: he sees me as that kid in class who shows up looking like he just got sexually assaulted by a mother moose, and who approaches the texts we read as a way to somehow discover truth. At the most basic level, this perception is the right one, but what happens when one digs deeper?

I can rememebr a girl giving her testimony (which in this case means the story of God working in her life) and discussing the lenghts she goes to try and convince the world that she is a free-living hippy type who doesn't care about society's conventions, or the opinions of those around her. The truth with her, the truth with me, and I suspect the truth with most of us, is that we do care very much with the opinions of the outside world. Not about everything, but certainly in their perceptions of our individual personhood. I can't tell you how long it sometimes takes me to look like it I didn't take any time. Where's the earnestness there huh? I have one teammate who seems to see straight through me and all my falsities. He sees me doing this shit like: purposely styling my hair to make it look like I didn't style my hair, or purposely making fun of myself just so people think I am secure and just laughs. He tells me all the time "You just desperately want people to like you don't you" I laugh it off but secretly when no one's looking I break down and wonder if its that easy to see through me. I hope its not, and that somehow this one guy just happens to possess a sixth sense for detecting my bullshit.

Problem #3 - What to do, what to do?
In the end I have some choices to make. I could abandon all attempts to convince people that I just don't care, and start gelling my hair, shaving reguarly and building myself up and not tearing myself down in front of others. I could also just make myself look so ugly that peolple would then REALLY be convinced that I didn't care what they thought of me. Or I could continue to live I have been, and try to be as honest as I can be while realizing that I am just a big joke. And it seems to me like this is the best option. Sure, its a flawed lifestyle, and for the people who know me best any chance at earnestness has long since waved bye-bye in my case. This is the cost, the repercussions for thinking too much about myself. If I am bound to self-reflection I therefore open myself up to my own critique, analysis and scrutiny. Look at this post for example. Through my recognition of this sort of behavior, am I not merely trying to convince myself that I am noble, or earnest for being able to approach my condition so honestly? By analyzing my own attempts at earnestness am I actually trying to fake out myself or my reader into thinking that I am, in fact, earnest. Can you see the cycle? I sure you can. So where's the hope for me? I think that all I can do is try to be earnest. Obviously if I am actually trying, then I can't be, but at least some of the vitrues that walk hand in hand with earnestness will run off on me. And instead of searching for validation in people that don't know me very well, I should instead focus my gaze on the opinions of those close to me. For it is their opinion which carries weight for me, and if I am trying to get anyone to like me, it should be them.

First Time is the Worst Time

Originally written - December 12, 2006

So . . . I have fought the monster long enough. Perhaps this will be a total departure from my journal, or perhaps only the excerpts I have deemed especially enlightening will make it in here. The bottom line is this: I am a self-consumed socio-path who actually thinks that somehow the keys I am banging with my fingers will hopefully form words that will help me (and maybe even others) make sense of life. Presumptuous? Absolutely. Far-fetched, and played out? Certainly, it wouldn't be fun it if wasn't. Maybe if I think peope are actually reading my blog I will actually work at developing coherent thoughts, and complete sentences.

Here's where I am at, a sort of State of the Union: (maybe this should be put in my profile, but this is my blog and I make the fucking rules. I am the tsar of my blog, the supreme ruler. This can be the one sphere of my life that I actually can exhibit a semblance of control.)

I am a 22 year-old currently strugging through my senior year of college. I have fucked around for long enough and now have decided that becoming a real human being is in my best interest. I have a wonderful (see: psychotic) family who actually does care about me, friends who like having me around for the most part, an amazing girlfriend who seems to get a kick out of me and a bunch of crazed teammates who spend their waking (and sleeping) hours dreaming of an 175 gram piece of plastic. I am at a stage in my life where I have absolutely no idea what the fuck is going on, but am beginning to think that this is how it always will be. I have recently begun attending class and am learning that I don't hate it as much as I originally thought I did. However as I am writing this I am supposed to be writing a paper on the development of faith in the life and poetry of T.S. Eliot. It promises to be an engaging paper (I hope) and in some ways is responsible for the creation of this on-line vomit.

In fact it is due to T.S. Eliot, and the paper, that I wrote a crazy email to my gf earlier this morning (around 145am) discussing my own faith journey (I hate that phrase) and what I now deem to be actually real. I forgot to mention above that I am a Christian, but not your mother's Christian, nor your friend in the youth-group's Christian. I am a believer in Jesus and in the life-granting freedom that comes with the knowledge of his person. The person who actually truly, deeply and honestly loves me, and decided that it would be a good idea to die in my place and to give me a life that I have to right to. I know I know, you've heard it all before from either your mother or your youth group friend, but I don't think it can be repeated enough. I do need to be forever reminded of this knowledge as I often lose sight of it. I am an advocate for forgivness and grace. The type of Grace that my God lovingly, relentlessly provides me and the rest of humanity. The type of grace that says: "I know you are a total disaster. I know you are completely fucked up. I know everything about you, all your shortcomings, all your faults. I even know about that time you did . . . . . (insert really awful thing here) and I still love you, and still want to know you. I repeat: I still Love you" Tell me that's not attractive. Tell me that if someone told you that you wouldn't be at least a little inclined to check them out. Well maybe its just me. Anyway, here's the email . . . sorry Michi if you think I'm being too personal. Here it is:

the subject was "you wanted it and now you got it: more of my rants"

its not even that late right now, maybe you'll be lucky enough to get another email even later than tonight . . . . ok so here's
what my paper is >


T.S. Eliot thats Thomas Stearns for the layman (or laywoman in this case, I'm p.c. (wink))

basically my paper is going to trace Eliot's poetry for religious symbolism and discuss how his poetry changes due to his
increasing faith in God. hahahah, how lucky am I that I get to write about shit that I am actually interested in. I would be a
total failure if I couldn't make everything always about me . . . I suck. Anway the point of the paper is that as he developed in
his notions of God/faith etc. that he began to foster hope. The Eliot of the Wasteland (prob. his most well known poem) is a
man in despair. Written in a time when the world was beginnig to accelerate and when people were searchng for meaning to
their seemingly meaningless lives. The Wasteland is a poem of futility, anger and hopelessness, themes that will rear their
head again and again throughout his work. This mindset doesn't change when Eliot comes to faith as one may expect. To Eliot, the world still sucks and life is still hard. However, he retains hope in the truth of the Gospel and in God's ability to provide
some meaning for our lives, however fleeting. I wonder if I am actually writing this paper about Eliot or about myself with
substitutions for the name? I suck.

Anyway, this is not that interesting. At least not as interesting as my previous rants. I am however starting to struggle with this idea of truth and reality? I think I used to think that all this bullshit about school, papers, loans, cars, jobs etc, all the things
that made up "life" were not, in fact, real. I used to think that God defined reality and therefor all things existing outside of
His realm weren't real. (Is is weird that I really thought that??) Anyway, now my mindset has changed. Those things I
mentioned above are life, those things, no matter how much I hate them, or how stupid/silly I think They are. They are in fact real,
at least they are to me right now in this life. To try and avoid them, or deem them false, is to deny my life in some sense. It
is a mistake to look for Big "T" Truth if we are purposely ignoring the little "t's" all around us. I think now that Big "T" Truth
(which for me is directly connected to God, Jesus etc.) is actually comprised of a bunch of little "t's" huddled together.
Therefor, if I really want to find God and for Him to find me, I must stand up to the those things which terrify me the most. I
must actually live. I actually have to do my work, write my papers, go to class, call my family (hahaha), get a job etc. This is
not admitting defeat like I used to think it was. This is not surrender to what I think isn't real. Those are real. Class, at least
right now, IS my reality. It is my truth and by immersing myself in it, I hold on to the hope that somehow I will gain insight
into myself and into Big "T" Truth. (this sounds pretty interesting to me right now)

The point is this: I do believe in God, and I do believe that he defines reality, because he created the earth. Therefor I believe
that there is a reality which extends beyond the "physicality" of this world becuase He is beyond this world. There is MORE than
this computer, this paper, this class, this house, this job etc. But, I no longer believe that reality is ONLY reserved for that which
is outside my physical perception. If I do this, all desires and aspirations I may harbor for this life, on this planet, are null, void
and meaningless. If I don't think that what is going on in my life is real, than I have forfeited it, I have declared it not worth
living, and in turn I have slapped my creator and savior directly in the face. Instead I will live this life I have been given. I will
live it knowing that there IS more, but that THIS is my sphere of action. My existence in this body, in this place, with these
people around me is where I function and where I live. I can longer use the excuse: "I just don't care". Sometimes, I admit, I
don't, but if any meaning or truth is going to be wrung out of my life, it will done through my relentless and tirelss twisting.
(did you get the wet towel imagery?)

Anyway, I know you don't agree with all of this, but I think you like to know what I am thinking about. In a major way, having
you is very freeing. You may me feel like this shit matters, and you make me feel like someoe actually cares about what I am
thinking. You actually allow me to do this sort of self-examination. hahaha, this is funny for me. I think right now as I writing
this sentence I have become convinced that you are bringing me closer to God and that I am falling more in love with you.

love you lots. I love you like a crow loves roadkill. (was that a good one???) wow, I have way to much energy right now, I
could just keep typing and typing all night long. God, how sweet would that be if I had a job where all I had to do was write
about what I was feeling(s), that would be absolutely sick. anyway . .. . you're fucking awesome and amazing and good. love
you michi. night night.

dan


That was it, that was the email (i actually omitted some lovier lines for her sake). Thats what I am dealing with right now, and I think that you should take a second and deal with it too. What does it mean to be living a "real life" to be immersed in your reailty? And I don't mean culture, or fads or anything stupid like that, but rather something more, something deeper (that sounds lame). If you were to actually step back and ask yourself:

What is my life?

What answer(s) would you get? What is your reality. Maybe your reality is your job and wife and kids. Or maybe your reality is your gf or bf. Maybe your reality is what you study, or create. Maybe your reality is tied up in tv, movies, books, music. Maybe sports. The point is this: your reality is your reality. Whether you like it or not, your reality, and indeed your life is the sum of its parts. Should your parts be more substantial? Should the parts that make up your life be better, cooler, more interesting? Are you happy, are you able to find purpose, meaning in the sum total of your parts. Do your little "t's" somehow construct a big "T"? I don't mean to sound condescending, or attacking. Certainly there are parts (many parts) of my life that totally suck, and that I am not happy with. For example: WHY CAN'T I JUST WRITE THIS FUCKING PAPER?? or maybe WHAT IS WITH MY DAD? IS HE CRAZY, OR AM I CRAZY, WHO REALLY IS CRAZIER?? or maybe one of the major "parts" of your life is the promise of something in the future: A job, or family, or situation that is around the corner but not yet quite in your sphere.

This is not so much a commentary or question about exactly what your reality is as much as what you are able to do with your reality, or what you let your reality do to you. For me, I want God to be my reality and I want to the other parts of my life to be an exploration, MY exploration of the life I have been given because of Him. Does this always happen? HA! I should say not, as I stated above, I can really suck sometimes, actually most of the time. Especially as a "Christian" (purposeful, maybe even sarcastic quotes used here) I pretty much blow. As far as what most people have come to understand as a "Christian Life" I fail ruthlessly. Lying? check. Stealing? check (but only if you include daily shoplifting from Ingraham Deli stealing). Drug Use? Moderate, but still a check. I am afriad of where this initial post will go if I start exploring the depths of my more general shortcomings, those of selfishness, lust, resentment, judging etc. (this has already gone on too long)

What I want to be is a man who is chasing after life. David of the bible is often described as a "man after God's heart". I want this to be me, but maybe not as directly as David. I want to relentlessly pursue God through my relentless pursuit of my reality and what, where, when, why and how God is working through it. So this is my blog mission statement. Please, don't be turned off by the religious insights or implications, I promise that they won't be overbearing, and may even prove relevant. Feel free to hate me, argue with me or tell me how wonderful and fascinating I am ( I am a sucker for compliments, they feed my constantly in-flux ego, sometimes up . . . sometimes down). So there you have it . . . my first blog.



ps. you can also just write me a post that tells me this is the worst thing you've ever read, if in fact you read the whole thing. Please tell me if you think this, it will save my friends, family, girlfriend and teammates the embarrassment of actually knowing me. (if you fall into one of these categories, which you obviousy do otherwise you wouldn't waste your time reading this, thats ok, I can handle the heat)