Free Free Free

Originally written - August 1, 2007

I am not feeling very free lately. I am feeling as though most of what I am doing falls under the “have to” category, which is a recipe for a semi-freedom-less existence. That sounds pretty dramatic and I certainly don’t mean to be a complainer (or maybe I do. It is nice, after all, to unload all your shit every once in a while). This idea of freedom is one that has haunted me for quite some time. We all want to be free to make our own choices right? To have a level of agency in our lives, to feel like we are calling the shots. But this takes for granted first and foremost that we actually know what we want . . . doesn’t it. I know that I can’t speak for everyone, but I don’t really have any idea what I want, I am just sort of guessing these days. Sure there are bits that I am sure of . . . I want love, I want purpose, I want to enjoy each day. But how vague are these desires? Is that the point: that we think we want all these specifics i.e. the right job, the right city, the right gf/bf, when in fact what we are really after is something much broader.

I had a conversation with a friend a few months ago and we were really getting in to what each of us wanted, and they were surprisingly simple. We wanted to be loved, to love someone in return and to be free in our choices and decisions, to feel as though our lives were not being lived by any one other than ourselves. This might sound selfish or self-absorbed, but I don’t think it is. And I don’t think it’s too much to ask. I was watching an extremely forgettable movie last night that had few redeeming qualities, but one line really stuck with me. It’s a pseudo-philosophic question that sounds a bit contrived, but I believe deserves to be mulled over for a bit. It’s something like this . . . .

The only question worth asking yourself is whether or not you should commit suicide.

Now let me be frank and forward when I say that this question should be not taken literally, but rather analyzed for what it’s really asking. According to my interpretation of this question, we should not be seriously contemplating suicide or viewing life as a disposable privilege but rather, assuming you would in fact choose life, what that entails. To me, answering that you do, in fact, want to live means a number of things . . . It means that in your estimation life is more joy than pain and more happiness than sorrow. It means that I am allowing all the bad things in the world to affect me, b/c I believe that the good outweighs them.

This is not to say that I believe in general goodness, because I do not. This isn’t a pessimistic view of the world, but rather an open acknowledgement of humanity’s general shortcomings and failures. No doubt this sounds fairly defeatest and perhaps it is Perhaps it is this acknowledgement of defeat which enables us to experience freedom. I don’t mean freedom in the sense of American as a free country, but rather in one’s personal freedom from self and from externally produced, yet inwardly experienced expectation. Why do we feel these “have to’s”? What inside us feels the need to produce, to fulfill others and our own agendas? Certainly drive is not an evil concept, but perhaps we’ve been deceived in the world’s claim that it produces contentment.

I have been told for as long as I can remember, by friends, parents and teachers that I have the skill and the brain to produce in school as I should, yet for some reason I have been unable to muster the drive necessary to excel. What will I gain from this drive that I could not experience with out it. . . . an interesting question. My mother has been famous for saying things like “The more you do now, or the better you do, the more options are opened for your future.” In some ways she is absolutely right. By performing well in school, I open myself up for a wider range of opportunities after I graduate, thus giving me more freedom . . . right? But what of living for myself, what of the years I spend toiling away for the chance or opportunity that will make my life? What if it doesn’t live up to its promise, what if, at the end of it all I am left unsatisfied, having been robbed a chance to really live in the now by obsessing over the future.

Where is the line between planning for the unknown, but continuing to actively pursue joy. Because after all isn’t that really what I want. Above all else, don’t I just want to be happy? Don’t I just want someone to love me and for me to love them back? Don’t I just want to spend time with these people and to bask in their returned affection? Right now, the next sentence I write could be something to do with knowing that this isn’t all to life . . . but isn’t it. Aren’t these the moments we passively plan for. At the root of our desire, won’t we find other people? Maybe our problem isn’t not taking life seriously enough . . . its taking it to seriously. Maybe we would be better served asking ourselves what we’re really after, what our life’s aim actually is.

All I can honestly say right now is that I want joy. This is what I want. There are many facets that go into this end, but above everything else I want this freedom. Freedom from my self, freedom from my own expectation and freedom to actually allow love to transform my life.