self consumantion (is that even the right word)

Originally written - December 16, 2007

I had a meeting with a professor of mine on thursday to discuss my writing. I desperately want to be a good writer, and having had this guy for the second time in as many years, and having subjected him to large number of my papers, I thought there would be no one better suited for critique, advice etc.

In essence he told me that in general the focus of my papers tends to be too broad and that I should narrow my gaze, and really fix on one idea. But he said something else, which has since haunted me. While commenting on my "voice" (which is a term writer's apparently use to describe the author's ability to convey his personality) he told me that I was earnest. Earnest. EARNEST. Maybe this doesn't sound so problematic to you, or perhaps you think I'm an asshole for making a big deal out of a compliment recieved from a professor. But its been messing with me ever since. Why, you ask? Well thats the blog topic, so I am not just going to divulge my answer right away am I? I guess I could, but that wouldnt be as fun.

Back to this earnestness . . . upon hearing that word ease itself from his mouth I was a little shocked, a little confused and a lot proud. ha. I asked him:

"really, you think people think I'm earnest?"

to which he responded: 'yeah they do."

"are you sure that I don't come across as a condescending asshole?"

"yeah, I'm sure. you don't come across that way."

ok, so have you noticed what I did here? totally unintentionally I might add. I had managed to make my favorite professor of all time tell me that I was earnest three different times? I couldn't just let him complement me once could I? This episode is problematic for me in a number of different ways, which I hope to fully explain to you my reader. (who am I kidding, no one actually reads this, probably b/c I am afraid to show it to most people - that doesn't sound very earnest does it?)

Problem #1 - Earnestness
As a person who had recently become obsessed with honesty, being described as earnest is a great validation. I could hear my inner voice saying "yesssssssss" as soon as I was able to register what was taking place in his office. Being earnest is good right? Really good. I am sure everyone would want to be called earnest. It sounds noble, dignified. When I think of someone who actually is earnest I imagine a man totally unconcerned with what the world thinks of him. In a very serious, intentional and purposeful manner he lives out his days respecting everyone around him and treating them as better than himself. An earnest man does not seek out earnestness, he is earnestness. Through the reality of his humilty, steadfastness and perseverance he becomes earnestness. Now you may argue that earnestness isn't a real word . . . to that I respond with a short, quick "fuck you", don't forget who is sovereign here, yeah thats right bitch. Above and beyond everything that I just mentioned is this: earnestness cannot be attained through trying, its a way, an inherited lifestyle or a God-given gift. This is exactly why this description is problematic for me

Problem #2 - Earnestness = me . . . . don't think so
As stated in my initital blog I am a self-obsessed socio-path. This, in itself, has the potential to void any attempts towards earnestness. YOU SEE I DID IT AGAIN!!!! FUCK. I can't be earnest by trying to earnest. I can try to tell the truth, treat people well and work hard, but in the end if my real goal is to considered earnest then I've forfeited the decency of these ideals. is that confusing? Maybe. Here's my point: Since mid-way through my college career I came to the realization that it was cool "not give a shit". This extended to may spheres of my life, and has since affected me in positive and negative ways.

Negative Examples - poor academics, poor communication with people I don't see everyday, lack of drive/effort.
Positive Examples - . . . uhhh . . . . i geuss I try to make it seem like I don't care what other people think

THERE IT IS, hidden beneath the choice to "not give a shit" is the realization that I am a total fraud. I try soooooooo hard to make it seem like I don't care. I make sure to tell people that I haven't showered or that I haven't washed my hair. My teammates can attest to the sort of running commentary I deliver to them about the happenings of my day or week. Inevitably these include a form of self-deprication, but for whose sake?? My attempt is to convey my shortcomings, weaknesses to my team in order for us to all laugh at me and to make it seem like I am secure enough to debase myself with such brutal honesty. I succeed on some level. To those who don't know me very well this sort of behavior works pretty well, take my professor for example: he sees me as that kid in class who shows up looking like he just got sexually assaulted by a mother moose, and who approaches the texts we read as a way to somehow discover truth. At the most basic level, this perception is the right one, but what happens when one digs deeper?

I can rememebr a girl giving her testimony (which in this case means the story of God working in her life) and discussing the lenghts she goes to try and convince the world that she is a free-living hippy type who doesn't care about society's conventions, or the opinions of those around her. The truth with her, the truth with me, and I suspect the truth with most of us, is that we do care very much with the opinions of the outside world. Not about everything, but certainly in their perceptions of our individual personhood. I can't tell you how long it sometimes takes me to look like it I didn't take any time. Where's the earnestness there huh? I have one teammate who seems to see straight through me and all my falsities. He sees me doing this shit like: purposely styling my hair to make it look like I didn't style my hair, or purposely making fun of myself just so people think I am secure and just laughs. He tells me all the time "You just desperately want people to like you don't you" I laugh it off but secretly when no one's looking I break down and wonder if its that easy to see through me. I hope its not, and that somehow this one guy just happens to possess a sixth sense for detecting my bullshit.

Problem #3 - What to do, what to do?
In the end I have some choices to make. I could abandon all attempts to convince people that I just don't care, and start gelling my hair, shaving reguarly and building myself up and not tearing myself down in front of others. I could also just make myself look so ugly that peolple would then REALLY be convinced that I didn't care what they thought of me. Or I could continue to live I have been, and try to be as honest as I can be while realizing that I am just a big joke. And it seems to me like this is the best option. Sure, its a flawed lifestyle, and for the people who know me best any chance at earnestness has long since waved bye-bye in my case. This is the cost, the repercussions for thinking too much about myself. If I am bound to self-reflection I therefore open myself up to my own critique, analysis and scrutiny. Look at this post for example. Through my recognition of this sort of behavior, am I not merely trying to convince myself that I am noble, or earnest for being able to approach my condition so honestly? By analyzing my own attempts at earnestness am I actually trying to fake out myself or my reader into thinking that I am, in fact, earnest. Can you see the cycle? I sure you can. So where's the hope for me? I think that all I can do is try to be earnest. Obviously if I am actually trying, then I can't be, but at least some of the vitrues that walk hand in hand with earnestness will run off on me. And instead of searching for validation in people that don't know me very well, I should instead focus my gaze on the opinions of those close to me. For it is their opinion which carries weight for me, and if I am trying to get anyone to like me, it should be them.