Want

Maybe what I am really into is this idea of want. What do we want, what do I want, what do you want? And taking that a step further, does a realization of this help you achieve it? Probably it does, but what of all of us who know, not exactly what we want, but what we don’t. How different are these two? Seems that they are very different. One rests upon action, the other inaction. How in control of these are we? How capable are we actually of knowing what that want is and then going through with it?

I find people who seem to know what they want fascinating. I wonder if they are actually like me and just have vague inklings of desire, or if they are concrete. There have been times when after receiving what I thought I wanted I am left unsatisfied or that it was something else altogether that I didn’t even realize I’d been yearning for. The unseen unknown desire. Personally the wants are too abstract to know how to pursue or will the result of other progressions. For example, I want an outdoor shower. This sounds trivial and it it, but I know that I want it, and I know that when I get it I will love it. This makes me feel good to know, and I can learn something about myself through this want. I also know that I want to . . . . waiting waiting. I wrote that expecting something to pop into my head but nothing did. Maybe I need a list of wants, something to be constantly added to at different moments, when something pops into my head. And not necessities like: I want to eat or I want to go to the bathroom, but real wants,

Future wants. I don’t really like that term but it makes sense here.

Characters from movies and books have been fascinating me lately as well. I cant get the Joker out of my head. To the point where I just googled “Joker essays” and have spent the last hour reading someone’s blog alluding to the defining moment when he truly became the antagonist to Batman. The blog stated it was some edition of a comic where his face is fixed into a grin, that he can’t help but look the way he does. Pretty interesting actually. You can read about it here. What makes the Joker so intoxicatingly complex and compelling to me is his assurance at what he wants. He doesn’t have inner-strife like Batman. He does what he wants and he is who he is. It just so happens that what he wants and who he is, is chaos. He is not so appealing b/c he’ll do anything, its because the anything is what he wants. How I wish I was gifted with this type of peace of mind. I would do anything for it, I have become obsessed with it lately actually. How can I not know what I want? Isn’t that what makes me an individual, what separates me from others? If not entirely, then at least a part of what sets me apart, and everyone else from me. What then can I say about my individuality and about my personhood when I can’t even figure out for myself what I want. Or maybe I’m doing it right now, that’s a thought. Sitting here wasting my time writing on this.

Today my friend asked me if I wanted to write. And I answered him that I want to want to be a writer. Does that make sense? I want to have that drive, to feel that need for something, whatever it is. I want the Joker’s confidence. But now what right? I’ve established that I don’t know, what’s next. And maybe it is here that I am the most lost, or want to be the most careful. I think this experience is not one that I am alone in feeling. I know there are some who just know right, or least they claim they do, who knows maybe they’re lying. But there are those who get into high school and they know they want to be a doctor, or that they want to play in majors. The lucky ones who don’t weigh themselves down with excess thought, it only gets you into trouble anyway. And there’s the issue for me, I have a problem with just doing. Always have, and in some ways I’m thankful for that.

I’ve never done just to do, or rather haven’t made a habit of it. This gets me in trouble but also keeps me sane. I am not sure what I am holding out for though, or if my idea of holding out is a result of cowardice and will be eventually overcome, not by redeeming action, but by fear. I am afraid for the day when I have to, and will be because of that fear. The fear of unknown that pushes you down a path you know you don’t want. This is to be avoided. But then how, and when will I know where that desire is. What it’s burning for. Will is hit me one day? Will I be blessed with a certainty of purpose that will guide me the rest of my day or will I continue to wait for a revelation that will never come? This is where I am right now. Its not a bad place to be, but a strange one, I’ve been here a while, and its getting old.